When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize