If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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