Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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