Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
