So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
We left an ass print on the piano.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
