I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
