I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
