For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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