I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Who died my cat blue again?
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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