yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
The best revenge is premature balding
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Randomize
