Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
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