just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Randomize
