I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
