Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
