fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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