Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Randomize
