What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
