I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
home. puking in laundry basket.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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