I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
