well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
