Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize