grandma shit on top of the toilet
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
