rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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