I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
