He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I just gargled with NyQuil
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
