she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
