allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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