Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Randomize
