dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
