Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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