my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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