i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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