I'm gonna have a badass scar
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Randomize
