I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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