dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
