Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Randomize
