i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
