My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
