I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
