Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
