I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
bring money and cleavage
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
