The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
it's like iHOP with fire
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
