When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
i just made my gag reflex go away.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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