dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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