I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Randomize
