I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
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