this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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