Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
