I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
