the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
