yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Randomize