I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
