Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Randomize
