I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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