It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Randomize
