thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Randomize
