I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
