I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
