I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
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