Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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