i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
