In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
