I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
He better not be in your backpack
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize