lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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