I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
