my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize